Lacy LaPlante's Pole Dancing Playground

The Playground is Moving

2007-10-04T19:52:00.001-04:00

I've moved my blog to a new, more user friendly site. Please email me at poledancing@hotmail.com to get the new address. I hope you all will make the move with me! :)

Victory!

2007-10-02T17:58:00.000-04:00

So it just occurred to me the great significance of the AXH wanting to have sex with me. I've tried to be as nice as possible throughout the entire divorce process. My ultimate revenge would be for him to look back and regret how he treated me and realize I wasn't so bad after all. Not that I'd take him back but I just want him to feel like shit in the end. I'm so mature I know. But if I yelled and screamed and was a bitch after we decided to break up it would just confirm his decision that he was right and I was in fact a bitch. So I took one for the long term revenge team. Well I think this could be as close as I'll get to victory. He wanted me finally and couldn't have me - even if it was just for sex. It was more than I could say he wanted during a huge part of our relationship.

AXH - 0
Lacy - 1

Confession Time

2007-10-01T17:46:00.000-04:00

So occasionally I'll leave out a detail here and there on this blog or omit a story all together because it is something I am ashamed of or wish I hadn't done or it just didn't feel like the right time to share it. Now how my mental sensor decides what to omit, I don't know (well sometimes I do but I just need to get over it). But from here on out I promise to report it all. Feel free to run away screaming now or dive under your desk and suck your thumb. I will leave out a story only if it would cause extreme harm and pain to someone else - and they would find out that I wrote about it.

Let me digress for just a moment and then I'll elaborate on a few of the "details" I have omitted. There are only three large ones that are from recent posts.

The concept for this blog started out more like a personal journal for me. I wasn't going to tell people about it. Those of you who know me know that I'm not that great at keeping secrets. Let me rephrase. I'm great at keeping a secret if you ask me to, but not so great at keeping MY secrets. I like sharing and interacting and honestly like to have the attention. I started to tell a few people about it. Or I would just tell some of my stories. People liked the blog and people liked the stories. So I told the latter about the blog. A lot of you out there know me personally and I have no idea who this may have been passed on to and you don't know me. I hope you've enjoyed and I'm ready to take it to another level. I may even recount a few stories that happened before I started this blog just to help clear up some background and lay the foundation for the future and some of them are just plain funny. I really wish I would have been down with the blogging when I left the AXH because it would have been great to see the change in my emotional state as well as a play by play on all the random sex I was having. I'm not talking crazy hook up every day but there have been enough. A lot of them have been mentioned. I felt like I was trying to make up for lost time and feel wanted and desired. And most of those hookups sucked! (I think I'll do a blog listing these guys as a reference for you readers so I don't have to explain them when they come up...undecided on that...) That is why I'd move on. But I was still emotionally detached from sex at that point - as I've been with most guys most of my life. I'll explain later. This blog is about some of the things that have happened since I started blogging that I've left out.

Med: So I mentioned that he wanted to hook up with me two weekends ago (see Fuckable). I was pissed at the time. Then I got horny. So Thursday night we are chatting online (that sounded so Napoleon Dynamite) and I give him the ok to come over. The first time we had sex when we initially met it was great. Awesome! And that is a rare thing for me. That occurred late spring/early summer or so. I'm not really good with time frames for recounting events. Good thing I blog now so I can remember my life. We had sex a few more times when we were briefly seeing each other and it never even came close (no pun intended - sort of) to the first time. But after a while your memory just stores the highlights.

He shows up and we start kissing. He is a great kisser. I remembered that part correctly at least. We quickly move to the bedroom and start having sex. (Don't worry kids - I always use protection just in case you're wondering. Just assume that is the case in all these stories...not going to give you that sort of play by play unless necessary.) As we start having sex it gets eerily quiet and I remember...he is a silent fucker. He makes virtually no noise at all during the whole thing. You can't tell what he likes, is pretending to like, doesn't like, if he's even alive (other than the fact that he is fucking me). This is so freaky! I'd forgotten. Well I won't forget now. It makes things terribly weird. However there isn't much silence to endure. To my disbelief he cums almost immediately and says, "That was it."

All I could respond with was, "Seriously?" With someone who is silent you really have no idea what is taking place. I almost laughed out loud.

He responds with the following which actually caused me to start laughing. I'll paraphrase but it goes a little something like: "I even jacked off at like 7pm tonight so I thought I would last a lot longer. Oh, well." What can you say to that? Even now I'm still laughing over this exchange. We chat for a while. I wasn't even turned on enough to see if he wanted to go again. The magic of it all was gone. I figured I'd just masturbate after he left.

As he's leaving he actually gets this sly grin and asks if he can see me again that week. I immediately laugh! I can't help it! I say, "Seriously? I don't think so." Did he think I was impressed with the sex I actually almost missed!?

That is why I swore off casual sex in Having A Moment. I know I'll change my mind somewhere around the time when masturbating starts to get really old and I'm drinking. Bad combination. I get so horny when I drink.

Moving on...

While pole dancing for the AXH he asked if I'd dance topless so he could save this for the "spank bank." (His words not mine.) I agreed.

Moving on again...

I had a threesome a few months ago. Twice.

Officially Over It

2007-09-30T21:23:00.000-04:00

I'm over it. I'm moving on. Who knows what the future holds but for now I'm letting go. I can't deal with it anymore. It is too emotionally draining and I feel like I have no control and am powerless. Not a good feeling.

I sent out the following email proclamation to confirm this to the person that I'm officially over:

Call me. I want my stuff back - X, X, whatever else. Figure out a time I can get it from you. Find a story to tell X about where it went.

Short and to the point. I'm not very good at that usually. Why sugar coat it? This has totally sucked ass for me.

Party Clothes

2007-09-29T17:22:00.000-04:00

THE PLAN: Organize a night out on the town so all of my friends can meet. My worlds would purposely collide. Drink. Drink. Drink. Dance. Dance. Dance. Fun! Fun! Fun!

THE THEME: Party clothes...not so party manners. I bought a new dress and wanted to wear it. Then I bought sexy shoes to go with the wonderful new dress. I formulated THE PLAN to wear the new dress and shoes.

To my amazement I had an estimated 15 attendees lined up for my Party Clothes event. I show up to the chosen venue at 9pm as I said I would and I'm the first one there. No surprise. I'm always the first one. So I start sending out a text blitz to find out where everyone is. Silas bailed on me earlier that afternoon so he was off the list as well as his brother and his gf. Let me put on the brakes for a sec. You don't know Silas so let me introduce.

SILAS: I used to work with Silas. He reads my blog so "hi Silas. I warned you that you'd be included one day." I'm surprised that I haven't mentioned Silas before but I guess he just hasn't been involved in the crazy side of my life. I could write an entire blog about him and I just may one day. To sum him up for you though so we can get to the craziness of last night: he is handsome, has wonderful teeth, would come to my aid if I needed him for anything, (and I hope he knows that I'd be there for him...even though he tends to steer clear of the craziness and probably wouldn't be the one needing the rescuing), loves the music that makes me want to slit my wrists when I listen to it (so I don't) and tends to over think things with the ladies versus just acting on instinct. And I used to crush on him when I first started working with him. So there ya go. Now back to Saturday.

Even though Silas bailed he still was kind enough to drop me off at the bar so that I didn't have to drive. Delilah promised she'd get me home somehow. Good enough plan for me. Conrad is running late but I expect that from him. He's always fashionably late, fashionably dressed, etc. No sign of any other familiar faces.

So we'll start a drink tally. 1. Washington Apple Shooter (on special) 2. martini on special (can't remember the name but it had sugar on the rim and I LOVE SUGAR). You know I'm trying to find a new signature drink so I always try the special if it interests me at all. The waitress says it is like a martini I've tried there in the past only girlier so I go for it. Now how she knows I'm not sure because she is our regular waitress at this joint and in the past she's told me she isn't even legal to drink yet so it must have been the word on the street and she finally wised up and starting speaking it as her own. There is nothing worse than asking a waitress at a martini bar what her favorite one is and she says she doesn't have one. Make it up. Pick the most expensive one. When you are drinking you can be indecisive so help a girl out.

I get hit on by two guys while I wait. World record! This dress must be working some magic. I check to make sure that my boobs haven't fallen out or something. That would probably bring the guys over too. Nope. Boobs are safe and secure.

One guy chats for a sec and says that he just saw me come in and thought I was really attractive and I asked if I was a frequent visitor and I let him know that this venue has a $5 martini night on Wednesdays and my friends and I try to make it out. He said he hoped he'd see me on a Wednesday then. Sounds silly but it was actually very nice. There was more said but we'll move on. I'm only on drink 2 and this blog is already long.

Another guy comes over and starts talking to me. He shall be named Chinese Takeout Boy. He thinks somehow that I'll be impressed that he delivers Chinese takeout on Saturdays (and gets paid under the table - he says that in a "so I've got that going for me" kind of way). And his day job is a land surveyor. Now he happens to have the same first name as Med and Med was supposed to come out tonight. I randomly invited him in the email blitz thinking he totally wouldn't say yes and he did say yes and ended up not showing up (sort of). Delilah arrives after a few minutes and I introduce her and give her the "I can't get rid of this guy" look. She gives me a slightly confused look. I find out later that she thought this guy was Med because of the same first name and she couldn't figure out why he wasn't nearly as cute as I'd said and why I was trying to get rid of him.

Drink #3 (another special martini) was ordered just before Delilah arrives. Martinis just go down so fast. They should really be shots instead of full on drinks. And I think the shape of the glass is part of some big conspiracy! I know there can't really be that much alcohol in there (well I guess there is as proven by last night) and the spill factor increases with the more you have. Still can't shake this guy and order drink #4. His group is leaving so he leaves. Thank goodness. It is probably around 10:15pm at this point.

So there are four party attendees at this point. Some more time passes. It is officially deemed that no one else is coming. We decide it is best to close our tabs and head downtown. In the meantime Racer orders shots for us all (drink #5) and we head out. Conrad decides not to venture out with us so the three of us party on.

We some how make to a bar that I can't remember the name of. A Jager shot magically appears and I take it (drink #6) and then a double vodka tonic (drink #7 & 8). I drink it up. This is where things start to go a little stumbley. Literally. I believe Delilah shares her ridiculously strong gin and tonic with me (drink #9). There may have been another vodka tonic at this bar. I really have no idea. We decide to go to another bar. I have no recollection of walking to this bar other than brief flashes of me nearly busting my ass in these damn heels. But when we walk in I see a familiar face. What a surprise right? I go out and see people I know. Which I still can't get over because I really don't know a lot of people! It is Fat P. Now Fat P and I met on Match.com. We had great phone convos before we met. Then we met. He was much much much fatter then his online photo. Not cool. I felt like that was sneaky. Both our lives got crazy and we haven't talked since. He is working as a bouncer at this bar. We say hey and I try to not be a completely drunk idiot and I'm sure I let him know that and apologized for my inebriated state because my sensor turns off when I'm drinking and I tend to get really apologetic and I stumble off to my friends.

Stick a fork in me at this point. Officially done! We go to the dance floor. I could barely stand much less dance. I hope the floor was thirsty because it saw more of my drink than I did. A guy starts dancing with me and I'm trying to be cool and at least not totally fall on the floor. Seriously. But I start to go. He catches me. I suggest that it would be great to sit and get to know each other. My legs just weren't going to hold me anymore. Any ability to coordinate my actions had vanished. Now I remember my brain saying this guy is cute. But can I remember what this guy actually looks like? No. Could I even come close to picking him out of a line up? No. Maybe he'd look familiar if I saw him again (which because of how my luck is I'm sure I will). Who knows? I do know he is a great kisser, 35, divorced, has two kids that don't live with him, and his name. But unfortunately he had to tell me that twice. Good thing I was too drunk to be embarrassed. Well I guess I just had much larger embarrassments I'd caused myself that night so asking for a name a second time didn't seem to bad.

I hear someone say the club is closing and it is 2:15am. I start wandering the club looking for Delilah. I've lost some chunks of time here so bear with me. I have no idea how long I was talking to this guy or what time we got to this bar. I'm THAT girl stumbling about looking for her friends. Then I see Med! WTF? He was supposed to be at my party. I have no idea what I said other than hey but he did IM me today to point out just how wasted I was last night. I see Fat P. THANK GOODNESS!!! I guess I convey that I'm looking for my friends and he says that he remembers who I came in with and will find them for me. He says to sit tight. He finds them and takes me to them.

Time to walk back to the car. Bad news. Now I didn't actually fall but I'm not sure how. I have this small memory of us walking on cobblestone and I was oh so close to eating it. We're told that we can't take our shoes off and wander back barefoot because there are cops. I'm not sure what the logic of that is or if there is some bare foot law or something but for some reason we are believing this. Boys walk too fast though. They have no idea how hard it is to walk in heels when drunk. Delilah and I are hanging on to each other for dear life and then just give each other a look and stop and take our shoes off. Either that or end up in the ER bloodied and bruised and with a broken ankle.

There is some confusion in the car over who has my ID and I say fuck we'll figure it out later. I slump over in the back seat and just hope they get me home. I'm was mumbling apologies and spreading love the whole way...thanks for taking care of me guys, I love you, you all are the best, etc.

Back at my place I literally just start taking my jewelry and clothes off and dropping it on the floor on the way to my bedroom. Once I saw the bed I knew I'd be out. I make a quick pit stop to toss my cookies then pass out until the morning.

Having A Moment

2007-09-28T13:44:00.001-04:00

Life sucks right this second! I'm at work. The kids (could be worse...they could be my kids) are screaming. My "office" is right next to an ice rink where a hockey session is going on. For any of you who have been to a hockey practice or game you know what sounds accompany this sort of thing. There is a kids bday party in the room next to me...these are different screaming kids. Fridays are tough because you can't wait for the weekend. I work with a thin skinned drama queen who thinks being bitchy toward me will solve her unresolved job inadequacy issues.

For the first time in my life I can't make rent and have to borrow money from my family. I know it won't be like this every month and I'll be able to pay them back next check. It still makes me frustrated. I've cut back on so much and it still isn't good enough. I'll make commission soon enough (in theory) and be good to go but my apartment complex really doesn't care about that story. Tonight will either be a great way for my mind to accept certain realities I have been avoiding or I'll have a complete meltdown. Either way will make for a good blog. I've officially decided casual sex is stupid and mainly a waste of time. This is fairly unfortunate for me since I'm single and leaves me taking care of my own business which gets old after a while.

Oh, yeah. I pulled a hammy pole dancing. Actually going from a spin to a split while pole dancing. Looked cool at least (and isn't that what matters in the end?). My tattoo is itching like a mother fucker.

All of this is amplified by the fact that I think I drank too much coffee this morning to help lift the fog (I overslept).

On another note I'm going to learn how to ice skate.

Whiny Ass Bitch - Still An Idiot

2007-09-25T11:56:00.000-04:00

The entry below was posted by Whiny Ass Bitch on CampusBlender.com (Delilah - thanks for this!). This is just the final entry which sums it up but if you want to see the statements that led up to this idiotic babble, click here.

girls look so much better when youre drunk

Im not sure if I need rope or not, but she looks pretty cute at the moment.

Now if I could put a pillow ver her face to shut her the fuck up.

yaaay jack daniels!

/drunken like a muther fucker post

9/23/2007 2:17:45 AM

Fuckable

2007-09-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

So at least I know I'm fuckable...not lovable and adorable as I'd prefer. But hey, I'm fuckable.

Let us go back to mid last week. I got an IM from a guy I liked before I started blogging. Let's call him Med. He is the reason the question "Are you on any sort of meds? If so, is your dosing correct at the moment?" exists in the Dating Questionnaire I created. I met him on Match.com and we had several dates and I really liked him and he was oh so cute. We had chemistry right away and he was the first guy I'd really liked since I left the AXH. We ended our very short lived relationship after he said his meds were off and he had missed some psychiatrist appointments and was on the rebound and...I cut him off at this point in my mind and began backing out the door in retreat. I don't mind if you have certain chemical imbalances that require medicating. While this country is over medicated you need what you need...just take what you need when you need it at the appropriate dose and we're all hunky doory. He said he'd be in touch if he got his life together.

So last week I get an offline IM and I assume he's got his life together. He isn't online so I write back just saying things are good and I got a new job...blah blah blah...I'm online yesterday and he messages me back. He doesn't even say congrats on the new job or anything remotely close. We say the hellos back and forth and he busts out with "So I hope I don't offend you but do you think we could just hook up?". At least I was a memorable fuck. Maybe I was just his only fuck before his journey to find himself while appropriately medicated. Who knows? Obviously my answer was no.

Sigh...

I went to a pole warming party last night for a one of the instructors at the studio where I pole dance. It got me motivated to put my pole up today. I called the AXH to borrow his drill. He obliges and I head over today to pick it up. Now any of those who know my AXH may want to quit reading after this point. I know now that you probably will keep reading because now there is more hype but this gets a little personal so you've at least been warned.

He has just moved into the townhouse he bought from the Cheater. I get the tour and we chat for a while. I notice though that he seems "excited" if you get my drift. I'm trying to ignore it but I feel like it is a little bit like the scene from Anchorman. If you've seen the movie you know exactly what I'm talking about. He finally sits down but I can tell he has not put the beast to bed. I just keep conversing and eventually go home. I was actually surprised how long we chatted but maybe he just didn't want to get up to have me leave. Either way it was a good visit.

I get home and can't find a joist to mount this damn pole. I hate projects of this nature. Handy sorts of things. I'm just not handy...well with household projects at least. Before I completely ruin my ceiling I break down and call the AXH. He agrees to come over and help. He knows that I only call him if I really have to and he also knows that I hate asking for help and accepting defeat on household projects. Plus could he really complain to help me install a stripper pole?

He brings the beast with him to install the pole! Again, just trying to ignore the whole thing. He asks if I'll show him a few moves. I feel slightly obligated since he has helped me with this project. I make him try a pole hold to prove it all isn't nearly as easy as it looks. I had asked him to help me rearrange my bedroom furniture a few months ago and he actually brings up the fact that he could help me move it while he is here. So I of course take him up on the offer.

He seems to be lingering though. He isn't a lingerer. This is very strange. We are standing in the living room and he asks if I would want to hook up just one last time. WTF?! Why does everyone want to fuck me this weekend? I know this doesn't seem like a bad problem but the partners aren't ideal. I say no. He says well he could just use some of my toys on me so that it doesn't seem like sex. WTF?! Still a no. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to get laid but not by a crazy and not by the AXH. He says he's just horny and thought I might like to get together for old times sake. Oh well when you put it like that..of course of I want to fuck you! WTF?! He said he thought I was sending him sexual vibes. Sorry that pole dancing is sexy but it wasn't intended to make him think that I wanted to have sex with him. Exactly why guys aren't allowed in the pole dancing class. He said that I just turn him on SO MUCH now that we are apart and that he doesn't think he can see me regularly at all. Now it isn't like we saw each other a lot before. But this does explain his quick departures when we do see each other.

You have to understand just how strange this is. We had a terrible and dull sex life for the last several years of our relationship so for me to turn him on to the point that he can't even look at me anymore just blows my mind!

He called me back a little while after he left to apologize - that he didn't want me to think he was using me. Now I don't know exactly what else you call asking someone for sex just to satisfy an urge but we'll at least accept the apology for apologies sake because he isn't really good at those. He was also thankful that I turned him down because it probably wouldn't have been good for his chi. WTF?!

Crack Head

2007-09-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of always being the level-headed do the right thing girl. It is exhausting and time consuming considering everyone else's feelings and the impact my actions have on them. Fuck that do unto others shit...Whateva! I do what I want!

Psyche! I know I can't live that way. But I wish I could. Damn that moral upbringing and conscience! I'd never sleep at night if I did everything I wanted without consideration of others and I probably wouldn't have any friends.

But I've got a dilemma. I have a situation in which doing the "right" thing by moral standards will cause me a lot of pain and heartache. I can do the "wrong" thing and get some immediate gratification and satisfaction - at least for now - and cause some other people some pain indirectly. I know all of you are screaming - look at the long term - remember your site seeing life problem! You know which option you should pick! Do the "right" thing. Conrad is probably saying "do the wrong thing so you've got something to blog about and I can live vicariously through your drama!"

Maybe I'll compromise and the "wrong" thing just an intsy weensy bit and then do the "right" thing. Yes - this does sound like I have an addiction (just a little bit more...one more time), hence the title of this blog. Don't worry kids - I'm not addicted to drugs. Hugs not drugs (Thanks for that Conrad) but unfortunately that is part of my problem.

New Blog: Diction Playground

2007-09-21T09:30:00.001-04:00

I've started a new blog. It is dedicated to words I love and hate (and why) and book reviews. I've added a link to it in the "Lacy's Links" section. It is titled, "Lacy LaPlante's Diction Playground".

I've signed up for dictionary.com's Word of the Day emails. Click here if you are interested. I haven't gotten any spam from them and it seems like a great learning tool. They also have a Spanish word of the day subscription which I've signed up for.

I've been a slacker lately (since I finished college really) about reading books but have suddenly had a resurgence in this interest. I thought that I would include reviews of books and some of my favorite passages from them.

Temet Nosce

2007-09-20T20:32:00.001-04:00

For all of those wondering about my tattoo,it reads: Temet Nosce.

For more info check: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Know_thyself

My personal meaning is, well, personal and if you can believe it I'm not going to share it with you. Probably one of the only things I won't...who knows. But I can say I've wanted this for a long time and was very careful when choosing this phrase.

So for now: Peace Out! Word to your mother!

Sugar Fix

2007-09-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

I SO need a sugar fix! I don't know what my deal is. I think part of it is the fact that I have been diligent in my effort to quit soda. My body is rebelling. Plus my diet has been totally out of whack lately. I need to get back on a schedule. Now that I've started working I think a better routine will follow.

Plus I just tend to get antsy at night. I'm sleepy when I get home from work but then the sun goes down and my eyelids go up. I'm wide awake. I'll calm down in a bit but you'd think I already had the sugar! LA LA LA! Energy, energy, energy!

But if I was desperate I guess I could get my sugar fix this way...I've got some pure maple from Montreal!

Kid in a Candy...er...Office Supply Store

2007-09-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

I started my new job today! Everything is going well. I'm not used to be trusted and respected and put in charge of things so that is a total change but I think I'll adjust well to the power. ;)

I don't technically have an office for this new job. I am going between two locations and meeting with clients so I created my own mobile office after work! I love getting organized! I'm an organizational freak! SO EXCITING! It was like getting ready for the first day of school all over again. No trapper keeper but I came close. I went and got a new calendar because mine had expired. Not the best time of year for this purchase. I ended up with one that is supposed to be for academic purposes but I ripped out the class schedule part and am pretending it is for grown ups. :) New pens and pencils...Let me explain this one. I'm unbelievably particular about my writing instruments. This may even be an understatement. I love the tiny Post-Its...not the big ones. The tiny ones allow me to fit perfectly and unobtrusively little notes inside the calendar. I got a great notebook for all of my genius business ideas. Fabulous deal on a new laptop bag to organize the supplies and my laptop.

Sounds like I'm pretty much set for world domination. You've been warned!

Tortoise and the Hare

2007-09-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

So I know I haven't really been blogging about anything real lately. I've had a lot going on that I haven't been ready to share. I'm ready now to a certain extent. I need to get it out. Well I ran away to NYC to visit Isabelle (and don't worry Isabelle - you aren't physically like the character but wonderfully lovable so that is why you got picked for this role)for the weekend hoping that a change in scenery would do me good. It was a wonderful weekend! Isabelle gave me a book to read, "Eat, Pray, Love". I'm a third of the way through and loving it. Thanks Isabelle! But that isn't what this blog is about. I sat and read and reflected on the past several weeks and on my current situation. I just felt like I had so much to say. So I started writing. I filled all the empty pages of this book with my thoughts. I didn't exactly lug a laptop around NYC so I figured I'd record it all then type it now. So here you go. It all came pouring out at different times during the day. I let my mind wander. This will be divided into sections instead of posting different blogs. If I would have been super cool I would have written time stamps next to each passage so this would have some sort of order. But I didn't think about that until after the fact. Live and learn. But any of you who know me know I have a tendency for randomness and slightly scattered thoughts so I guess it is more fitting to be a bit haphazard like this. They are at least in chronological order even if you don't know the time frame. It all occurs on Monday, September 17. Some of it may make sense, some of it may not, some of it may be contradictory. Deal with it.

Oh yeah! I updated my I HEART Lists blog with some things I've accomplished.

Off to the mind races we go....

I ran away to NYC and found more of myself here that I expected. I realized just how much I enjoy telling stories and hearing stories and having energy and enthusiasm. I will never view that as a negative even if it does overwhelm some people. Being called "bubbly" and "that no one could be a sourpuss around" me could be one of the nicest things I could have been told on an exit interview. It is so wonderful to connect with old friends and meet new friends (soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Doctor). It all just gelled. The energy bounces around between you all and feels wonderful like the best fireworks you've seen. You get lost in it all. But you know there is a finale. Can I bring the energy home with me? How long can I make it last? Can I find that back home or do I need to redefine home? Will a change in scenery really make a difference or am I just looking for a distraction or quick fix for my real problems. Trimming the hedges so to speak instead of fertilizing the soil for long term health.

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I have a site seeing problem. I tend to focus on the ground - what is immediately in front of me instead of looking up, taking in the grandness of it all. As soon as I realized my site seeing problem...I realized I have a life problem.

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I'm trying to be less obsessive about my handwriting. It is the words that matter. Life isn't about appearances but the substance. (Side Note or as Conrad would say P.S. That is part of the reason I blog. I used to journal but I would get so focused on how it looks I'd lose focus on what I needed to say)

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I'm sitting on the end of a pier on the Hudson. I can see the City all around me. You can't experience that in NC. There is nothing of this magnitude. Does physically seeing more - more people, structures, space, sky, color - interpret to a figurative more - more hope, opportunity, possibility, future?

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The contentment and comfort I felt this morning is now gone. I am by myself and feel alone. I know it is because I have a flight in a few hours. Back to my unresolved issues. Back to the loss of a love I almost had. Well I had it and lost it. Silly girl thought she could outrun Sorrow and Sadness but in the end only time will heal me. Slow and steady will win the race in this one. This weekend I tried to be the hare. But now that I'm back I realize I must be the tortoise and walk steadily forward.

__________________________________________________________

I'm sitting on the Hudson by the remnants of an old pier. There is something so sad and lonely about it. The water just continues to roll over top of the old wooden posts. Now you see them now you don't. The sky line stands in the background tall and proud. But it too one day will wear away and be replaced, just like the pier. You just look at them and know that so much must have happened there but now they can't keep their heads above water.

__________________________________________________________

I want to call him. But could he give me any answer that would comfort me? I put the phone down and take his name off of the screen. If he meant everything he said, as boys often reassure us they do, then why hasn't he called? I only asked for one thing - a proper goodbye - and I didn't get it. This trip was supposed to be my recovery. I wanted to end our relationship on as good of terms as they could be. I didn't want them to be muddied with anger and disappoint as they are now. He promised he'd come back. That night I lost some love for him. And every day we do not speak I lose a little more.

He is the one I want to be comforted by and I can't have him. Oddly he is the reason I need to be comforted. Yes - I see how fucked up this sounds. He didn't pick me. He didn't pick me because we don't have time behind us that equals a history. The prospect of a history together couldn't tempt him away from his current situation. Time just isn't on my side.

I let his words effect me. I let him in. I wanted him there. I believed it was going to happen to me. That love had found me again after so many years. I wanted it. I didn't need it for once but I wanted it. It felt so right. He felt so right. We felt so right. I miss him.

Him = Great Dane (I'll explain in just a bit but everyone gets named in this thing....I can't go on calling him "him" forever)

__________________________________________________________

I'm walking back from the park to Isabelle's office. I see the most beautiful Great Dane. "Him" and I had discussed that one day we wanted a great dane together. This just really stuck with me for some reason. This is something I dreamed of. And he dreamed of. And we had dreams of together. My brain created an association of Great Dane to our future and our love. So now I can't get a Great Dane unless we ever got back together. So because my time with him is forever linked "him" will now be "Great Dane". And I do not mean it an any sort of - he's such a dog - type way.

__________________________________________________________

My flight tonight had a young and cute (cute after he gave his welcome speech that was full of humor and sarcasm) crew member. I wish we could talk. I would like to know something real about him. What he wishes he was doing - I know it isn't this. His name is Tony.

__________________________________________________________

I feel alone with my problems. That I have been through things that none of my friends have been through. I may be able to relate to them if they have problems but they can't relate to where I am. They all patiently listen but no one has anything to offer other than a sad look that they think means "I'm sorry you are going through this" and to me comes off as "I'm glad I'm not living your life right here right now". Am I just not listening to what they have to say? Are they offering up wisdom that I am ignoring? In the end though you do have to be your own strength. Temet Nosce. But damn if that isn't exhausting! I know I'll come out better on the other side even if I do feel worse for the wear now. I just wish I knew how long this part of the storm would last before the sun shines again...

I guess though that is partly up to me now isn't it?

I feel starved for so many comforts I do not know how to provide for myslef: intimacy, genuine conversation, that feeling you get when you look into someone's eyes and they feel like home, a tender touch, a long embrace, to truly trust and love. I know I can be happy on my own. I just don't know how to feel complete on my own. I want to experience life with someone. See things not only through my eyes but through their eyes and words. Life just seems like it would be so much richer that way. Deeper. Fuller.

I equate it to masturbating. You can get enjoyment and satisfaction alone but wouldn't you rather experience it with someone else?

I wonder about finding more friends or starting new hobbies. But in the end aren't those things just distractions? You can learn from others and always take moments away...but that isn't the the same as a partner to experience life with.

Maybe the friends are more important. I know that you need it all in theory to live an emotionally healthy life. But wouldn't your partner also be the keystone to that friend base? I just can't imagine life without someone to share it with. Maybe I just haven't met the right friends. How do I let more people in? How do I accept more people and more about people?

I thought that I could accept all the ins and outs of the Great Dane. But I always viewed that acceptance in terms of "we" (other than of course cheating and wife beating and some other horrendous acts I don't even care to fathom at the moment or maybe even things I've never heard of - those would be the exception the the acceptance in the "we" circumstance). But now he's gone and I'm having a hard time accepting that. Didn't really consider that one! I know it is the right thing to do and all that shit. I've been there. I genuinely get it. But I was the right thing to him at one point. Fuck right. I'm going left.

__________________________________________________________

I finally let the words and the love in and I got bitch slapped to Kansas.

__________________________________________________________

He wanted to help me in whatever way I would let him...even if that meant doing nothing at all. He wanted to be my partner in this journey and I grabbed his hand tightly and wanted to be his partner back. He is the first person I've met who caused an inner motivation to appear to be the best me I could be - to continue learning, continue living, continue growing, continue to have hopes and dreams and believe in things that feel like only magic could explain them.

If the stars align will it feel the same? Would I be able to let him back in without fear of loss and rejection? I know he'd say he didn't reject me - he just had some unfinished business elsewhere. But it feels like rejection. I'm back in elementary school all over again waiting to be picked for Red Rover. The voice inside me is screaming, "Pick Me! Pick Me!". It hurts and I feel alone. I know he can relate to this. I know he is hurting too and that this wasn't an easy decision. I support the decision as much as I can. I understand his reasoning but a girl still wishes she was the one...

Now he is back with his ex and they are living what I thought was supposed to be my life with him.

__________________________________________________________

I lost someone who could read me and my emotions and that was okay with me. I wanted the Great Dane to know me. All of me. The good and the bad. It felt so good to let my guard down for him. Only to end up having to rebuild higher and stronger than before. I tried to have enough strength for the two of us. I often forget that I can only help myself survive. I can only control me, my thoughts, my actions, my desires, my decisions, my lessons learned...

Magic

2007-09-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

I discovered a new artist this summer. Her name is Colbie Caillat. She just came out with her first album. Her lyrics are so simple but will hit close to home for anyone. This is one of my favorites. When you really connect with someone and feel their energy and feel alive and want to experience everything you've experience in life with them because somehow it would be different if you shared it with them...it is unexplainable...hence the magic. How much magic will we all get in our lives? I've included a youtube.com clip as well as the lyrics. Enjoy!

"Magic"

[V1:] You've got magic inside your finger tips
Its leaking out all over my skin
Everytime that i get close to you
Your makin me weak with the way you
Look through those eyes

[C:] And all i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above
Yeaaaa, oh i need you

[V2:] I remember the way that you move
Your dancin easily through my dreams
Its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

[C:] All i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

[B:] Oh baby i need you
To see me, the way i see you
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams

[C:] And all i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

[C:] All i see is your face
All i need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above
Yeaaaa, oh oh da da da do do do do do
Ahhhhhh, i ..... i need you

Priceless

2007-09-13T17:42:00.000-04:00

So refer back to my blog on trust issues. Quick refresher...the guy (now referred to as the Cheater) I met in the bar that turned out to know my ex and then I end up outing him to his girlfriend I didn't know he had. Oh yeah...that guy. I get a call from the AXH today. He is buying a town house from the Cheater. The plan was in place long before I slept with the Cheater but the fact I got f*cked allowed him to receive a much lower buying price. I got screwed in so many ways on this one. They are set to close on it tomorrow. Since we are still married I have to sign some paperwork okaying the fact that he is buying this without me. No problem there. But he asks me to sign the paperwork earlier in the day. I let him know that I didn't feel comfortable signing it without him there. He said I could come to the closing...insert long pause...but it might be weird for me. Then it hits me! The Cheater will be there! This is going to be hilarious! Of course I want to come to the closing. Just to see his face...that split second expression when he first sees me there with the AXH...will be PRICELESS. Luckily the AXH finds the same sick dark humor in this as I do and has agreed to secrecy so he can see the look as well. This will be better than anything MasterCard could dream up. I'll let you all know how it goes...

Men's Health Article: Break-Ups

2007-09-11T16:41:00.000-04:00

Since the top of late has been break-ups I've been doing some research. I ran across the following article on Men's Health Web site. (Why were you on Men's Health Web site you may ask. A fellow blogger tends to post references to the site recently so I went exploring.) I thought it was interesting. I'll also post two others that were an interesting read. I don't agree with all of it but thought I'd share.

Who Handles Break-Ups Better?

50 Things Men Wish You Knew

50 Things She Wishes You Knew

Icarus

2007-09-06T22:21:00.000-04:00

Warning: Glass half empty moment approaching...

They keep telling me that it isn't about me. But if it isn't about me then why do I hurt? Why am I sad? Why do I feel like I show up and things turn to shit. I'm the catalyst. I do believe it all happens for a reason. I really do. That I learn and others learn and in the big scheme we all benefit.

But I feel like Icarus...the higher I fly, the farther I end up falling.

Happily Ever After(ish)

2007-09-06T17:54:00.000-04:00

I've done a lot of reflecting lately on relationships - more specifically on failed relationships and how differently men and women react toward the end of the relationship.

A man and a woman are together when they feel connected. They feel they have a special bond in which they can have with no other. You hear it all the time - we just get each other. At what point do they become disconnected and stop "getting each other"? What causes that disconnect? How do we deepen the connection and love instead of growing apart? What causes the cute and quirky turn to annoying and embarrassing? How do you stop this from happening? Because once you go to the dark side you can't come back. There is no (or rarely) a way to salvage the relationship. You just don't look at that person in the same light again. So what proactive measures do you take so you never turn to the dark side? Any insights welcome...

Just some observations....

Men are essentially over a relationship before it physically ends. They seem to just grow more and more distant. It seems like it takes the woman to address the distance and then the man feels like the woman is smothering them and being aggressive and they just withdraw more. So why can't a man admit there is a problem before it escalates to a point of no return? Or why don't they just break it off? MEN - TALK TO US! Let us in. Please. I'm begging. It is the only way it will work.

Even if a woman knows the relationship is over she can't begin to internalize that break up until the couple has moved to separate living spaces. One person has to move out before a woman can start to grieve for her relationship. That was how I felt at least and I've seen this in many other cases.

I knew that I did not want to stay with the AXH (filed paperwork on Tuesday! Yay!). I knew that I didn't ever want to get back together with him. I knew our relationship was over. But until my things were in a separate apartment and my front door closed and I was all alone standing there in my living room...I couldn't really start to get over it. It was the ending of a chapter...a huge chapter in my life.

What was difficult for me was the fact that I couldn't put a label or pinpoint what exactly went wrong. He wasn't an all over bad person. Plenty of people like him and want to be his friend. So what happened in our relationship? Why couldn't we even be friends? In a way I wish it would have been some clear cut reason that I left...he hit me or cheated on me. No one wants to go through those things but at least I could have a label for what went wrong. It seems like that would have helped in the grieving process. I'm not trying to downplay violence or infidelity or wish that on anyone but mentally you do struggle with just saying...it just didn't work...in the end, we just weren't right for each other.

I think it is most difficult for couples who have a so-so relationship that has continued on through the course of several years. Nothing directly gets worse but nothing gets better. At what point do you stop the relationship when there isn't a single incident to spur the break up but no incidents to provide hope that it will improve? How long does it take the involved parties to truly accept that they were in the relationship for relationship sake and habit and not for love and partnership? How long will they be on the rebound?

Should a couple just start out in therapy to make sure any issues are addressed and not buried? Is that just starting off on the wrong foot by saying that you know you'll have problems? How do you keep it fresh and alive and open and honest?

It seems these days that everyone has a starter marriage. More and more couples are ending up divorced. I'm one of them. I've already discussed the reasons behind my failed marriage in a basic sense (see Live, Learn, Live) I know what I want out of marriage to the best extent I can. I hope to find that special someone. I know I'll find that special someone. Who knows? I may already have. What scares me is finding that special someone, the person I could truly see as my partner, my lover, my best friend, the father of our children, and him fading away into the emotional distance, moving farther and farther away...just out of my grasp. Like a child with a balloon on a string. It just takes a moment to get distracted or scared and you let go and you can't get it back. You watch it fade into the distance with no way to grab hold again. But I would rather take the risk then never try. I'll face my fear every time but I can see that it would get harder to let someone in the more I get hurt.

I know this blog seemed more like a lot of questions instead of answers or thoughts but right now I've just got questions. I'm feeling a bit lost and confused.

How do you get the "happily ever after"(ish) and keep it?

Live, Learn, Live

2007-08-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

For some reason there is the impression out there that if you are divorced(ish) then you must be bitter and against marriage. I know not everyone believes this but I get asked a lot: Will you marry again? Are you bitter?BTW: I get to file on Tuesday! Then he signs the paper work. I go to court. And he gets to be the X. And I can't imagine much reason for him to be mentioned in this blog. There will be no need for contact anymore. I can finally and completely move on.

I've taken a lot of time to reflect upon what I really want out of life since I made the choice to leave the AX.

Let's start with the bitterness: I'm not bitter. Why you may ask?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines bitter as follows (I edited this slightly for space):

Main Entry: 1bit·ter
Pronunciation: 'bi-t&r
Function: adjective
1 a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable and suggestive of an infusion of hops -- compare SALT, SOUR, SWEET b : distasteful or distressing to the mind
2: marked by intensity or severity: a: accompanied by severe pain or suffering (b): being relentlessly determined (c): marked by cynicism or rancor
3: expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

While my marriage may have initially left me with a bad taste in my mouth the first definition surely doesn't apply. The other two definitions take a lot of energy. Could you imagine being consumed by an intense and severe pain accompanied by suffering, grief and regret? One word: exhausting. I certainly wouldn't want to live my life that way. And I don't. I tried everything I could to make it work. But a marriage is a union between two people and it doesn't matter if you do all you can do if the other person isn't willing to accept what you have to give or recognize that a relationship takes work. There I said it...scary I know! Work! Effort! Run! Hide! Okay. Enough of the silliness (for now at least). I did after all make a commitment. I got married and marriage does mean a great deal to me. I didn't want my marriage to fail. Should we ever have gotten married in the first place? No. But we did it anyway and I gave everything I had to give to that marriage. I walked away only when I knew I could no longer live that way - no longer live in that situation - no longer breathe. Every day I stayed I felt like a piece of me was dieing. I am so young and realized it wasn't going to get better. I couldn't make it better. So I left. I know it sounds like I'm oversimplifying the whole thing like it was easy. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. It took more strength than anything I'd ever done. I'd never been alone in my adult life.

So why did we get married? Who knows? We were young. We thought it would fix things and feel like it felt in the beginning (when we were really kids 5 years prior). We were in love once but not the kind of love I now understand it takes to be married. We were never partners in: love or crime or laughter or pain or life. Maybe we were afraid this was as good as it would ever get? I know that stopped me from leaving on several occasions. I wondered if I was just chasing a utopia. It took me realizing that even if no one else ever came along I'd surely have to be happier alone than I was in this relationship.

I came from a small town and him and I had things in common and it felt like love at first. But it was just infatuation. We forced it to try to be something it wasn't for far too many years. I don't know why. I don't even know why it didn't work. Why he was so unhappy. He just completely shut down on me. I'm not saying I was the easiest to deal with. I'd never place all of this on him. We weren't right for each other. In the end all he could tell me was that he wished I'd dust the mantle more and vacuum more regularly (as I've mentioned before I wish I could make this stuff up). Sometimes I think he subconsciously (or maybe consciously) made it so miserable so I'd leave because he didn't have the balls to do it.

Live, learn your lessons and live some more.

Next Question: Will I marry again?

I certainly hope so. Will I do so with something above and beyond extreme caution and consideration? Yes. I'm not saying I took my first marriage lightly and casually but I now realize what is important for a marriage or a relationship to fully work and I won't settle for anything short of those expectations. I'll express some of those things in just a few. But I still long for all the things I hoped to get out of my first marriage. You don't get married and divorced and suddenly lose your life long dreams. I think it is a bit absurd for people to even ask this question. I mean I guess you can have everything you want without getting married but I still value a marriage and the commitment it represents even if my first one didn't work out. As always - I'll try my hardest to keep it alive. But I am just one side of the equation.

Here are a few things I learned from my first go around that I believe with all my heart will help to keep and increase the connection.

Hold hands. Kiss in public (I guess do whatever you want in public just don't get caught). Hug. Hold each other. Be passionate. Do all the things that just the two of you get to do and realize how special that is.

Look each other in the eye. Make the time.

Be completely honest. Don't ask if you don't want the answer. Ladies - for example - don't ask if you look fat if you don't want to hear the answer. Not all styles flatter all of us. Let's be realistic.

Talk about your dreams and wishes and desires and hopes.

Be able to talk in terms of "us" and "we" and not just "you" and "me". I know this is just semantics on the surface but it shows your commitment. That you see a partnership or a team doing things together in the future and are a part of each other lives in the present.

I don't want to be with someone that I can't live without. I want to be with someone that I wouldn't want to live without. I'll blog about this later but we all have choices. You are a fool to think that everything in life isn't a choice. You may not like the options but there is always a choice. I'll stop preaching now and let you think about the distinction of this statement...

Mind Fuck: Part 2

2007-08-28T10:03:00.000-04:00

FABULOUS NEWS!

I passed the mind fuck with flying colors!!!! I got a call today from the company saying they loved my profile results (I would love to see them to find out exactly what they say about me but that is just curiosity kicking in) and wanted to schedule a second interview via phone with the VP of the company (aka squirrel on caffeine man). It will probably be one evening this week. I am their top candidate and they are prepared to make me an offer if this interview goes well. :)

Again I got the warning about squirrel man from my interviewer. I promise to blog after the interview and let you know just what kind of games he plays. Should be interesting...

Signage

2007-08-27T22:41:00.001-04:00

So I think it could be crazy that the time of year you are born could shape your personality...but at the same time the descriptions of zodiac signs ring so true. I thought I'd share some Scorpio traits recently forwarded to me by a friend. (This should be implied but just in case...I'm a Scorpio)

What do you think?

Scorpio has a reputation for being one of the scariest signs in the zodiac, but this intense sign is much gentler than many people believe. The tough façade these people put on is there to protect the deep sensitivity that lies beneath the surface. Scorpios want to be loved so desperately that their relationship partners often find themselves being controlled and manipulated into doing things they would never do if they were asked outright. Making relationship partners “prove” their love is one of Scorpio’s ways of making sure that they’re getting the love they really want. Being loved and admired is essential to Scorpio. It’s the one thing that might make them feel secure (well, almost!). To handle a Scorpio, the romantic partner must be clever and willful, and strong enough to make Scorpio own up to the little manipulation games that go on. The reward for all this work is the most satisfying sex life imaginable. Scorpio is capable of deep emotional intimacy and incredible levels of sexual satisfaction.

SCORPIO WITH SCORPIO (mano a mano)
This deeply emotional duo matches up well. They sympathize well enough to know when one of them is trying to manipulate the other, so they won’t be afraid of their mutual intensity. Also, their intuition will get stronger when the two of them get together. This could lead them to become the kind of couple who are so attuned to one another that they can finish one another’s sentences. If there are fights, they will probably occur when the couple loses its sense of equilibrium. Any time the balance of power is in question, these two will have to hammer out a new truce between them. Once that’s done, they can get back to what they do best – demonstrating their deep feelings of love by merging with one another in a sexual relationship.

Mind Fuck

2007-08-27T11:19:00.000-04:00

So I need to start off by apologizing for my long break from blogging. I've had a whirlwind week (subject of the next blog I'll write...I know...I'm such a tease) but for now I'll talk about mind fucking.

I interviewed for a new job on Friday. I've got my fingers and toes crossed on this one. The people seem really great - and in the end that is all that matters to me. I could probably shovel shit for a living if it was with the right people.

The initial interview lasted for more than two hours! HOLY SHIT! I was completely spent afterwards. I wanted to insert the scene from Old School where Will Ferrell participates in the debate but couldn't find it...but that is how I felt...like you go on this autopilot mode and walk out thinking...what the fuck just happened.

I'm good at interviews and I that is the only thing I can really be thankful for from my current job. Nothing phases me (in the job world at least) and I can pretty much deal with anything you can throw at me (in the job sense). I deal with new people day in and day out...I'm basically being interviewed everyday and selling myself (in a non red light district way) and selling my work place.

Back on track...so the interview went really well. I know how to make myself stand out from the crowd without being inappropriate. They emailed me an online personality questionnaire to complete and then will let me know either way if I make it to the second round of interviews. The interviewer let me know that probably 3 candidates would make it to the final round. This interview would be conducted by phone with the VP of the company. Now here comes her disclaimer...this guy got his Ph.D. in psychology and likes to purposely throw people off. And he probably won't ask me about work related issues she says...he knows that all of those topics have been covered in the initial interview. Then she says the following:

"He's like a squirrel on caffeine."

Hmmm...

Now I'm just more curious than afraid. How badly can he mind fuck people? I sure as hell better make it to the final interview so I can have one funny ass blog to write!

But that wasn't the initial mind fuck I was referring to in the title of this blog. It was the questionnaire I just completed.

Have you ever had to take one of these? There are no right or wrong answers per say but the way this thing was designed I feel like you come out sounding inadequate no matter which of the two options you choose for each question.

An example you say. An example of how I mentally feel fucked at this moment...of course I'll give you an example. I should have done a screen print and pasted the images of the questions here but I didn't think that far ahead. And I'm pretty sure I did answer the question regarding how I tend to act as: more impulsive than slow and indecisive.

It is a question like: how do you react in a stressful situation? But there are only two choices and you have to pick one. So basically they rephrase the following 20 times or so: Do you crawl under your desk and suck your thumb or go ballistic and destroy a printer with a baseball bat?

I picked the baseball bat. You know. I figure at least I'm doing something and not just sitting back and waiting for the situation to resolve itself...because that never happens.

They also ask you 40 different times (literally) how to describe your self on the same pick one of the two statements format. I hate this because it totally depends on the situation. There is no comment box to explain yourself. I know the point is to go on instinct but my instinct is telling me to grab the lube because this should have been titled "Bend Over" instead of "Personanalysis Assessment".

What Makes for Distinctive Friendship?

2007-08-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

As I was drifting off last night I started thinking about what qualities draw me into a friendship. What makes a good friend other than the obvious general good people qualities like trust, honesty, etc? I have an amazing friend right now and he is the main person I call on when I have a story to tell or a pity party to throw for myself...but why I thought. What makes him my go to? It dawned on me! He is unlike any of my other friends because:

He lets me figure things out on my own. He's always there for me without hesitation. He doesn't give me false hope. He will relate back with a story from his life if he can. He doesn't judge me. Nothing surprises him. He isn't afraid of change. He is open and kind. He always follows up. We seem to have a sixth sense about each other's appetites and always text at appropriate times. He has amazing fashion sense and loves to shop. So those last two aren't exactly super important but just make him extra wonderful!

While this isn't an exhaustive list of why Conrad is so wonderful it states the basics on what makes this friendship distinct from others.

Thank you for being such a great friend Conrad! I'm here whenever you need me. You deserve everything wonderful this world has to offer. There is a man out there for both of us (hopefully we won't have to share so I guess there are two wonderful men out there in this world!)

PS - It is so fucking hot today! I went running and didn't think I'd make it back. Which addresses a fear I have. Not really a fear as just something that occupies my mind from time to time. It doesn't stress me out but I just think about it.

If something were to happen to me it would take a while before anyone figured it out. I live alone. So say I slipped and fell in my apartment on a Thursday night and didn't have any serious plans for the weekend my work might just think I was blowing them off Friday (now I don't have a record of this but there is a first for everything they may say), the weekend would wither away, Monday would come round, work would start to get really pissed and by Tuesday someone would start looking for me. I'd be dead by then. Not saying I want a roommate or one of those medical alert necklaces or anything but it is just something I think about.

Zen Day

2007-08-19T16:51:00.000-04:00

I'm having a total zen day. I had such a good time pole dancing and bootie dancing at the club with all my pole dancing peeps. Then afterwards I got do something I've always dreamed of doing...and hope to do again. I got up today and watched a movie: Shortbus. It was really wonderful. Check it. Then I went to the pool. Fell asleep. Came back and watched another movie: Stranger Than Fiction. Another really good one! I've got a coffee date at 7pm with graphic guy. Cross your fingers on that one because I've officially thrown in the towel after this. If he doesn't work out then I'm not focusing on it any more. Finding dates officially is moving to the back burner. I'm not saying I won't take one if it comes my way but it is not a priority.

Last week felt like a complete roller coaster. I needed this weekend. I'm starting to feel in control of my life and it feels good. I have good and bad days but I learn something from each day and wouldn't go back. So many people are so stressed about getting older, but I wouldn't change a thing. Not one. Do I wish there would have been an easier road to get to this point? Yes. But am I glad I got to this point no matter the road. Absolutely.

Side Note: I needed some sunscreen before I could go to the pool so I headed to CVS. I had on my bathing suit and coverup. I walk in a pick out my sunscreen and mascara remover because I was out. The guy goes to ring me up and just rings up the mascara remover and puts the sunscreen in my bag. Total hookup. Moral here is wear slightly revealing clothing to CVS and you can get the hookup on to be purchased items. SCORE! That saved me $10! I'm not above that at all. :) LOL!

I HEART Lists

2007-08-17T15:27:00.000-04:00

Below are some things that I want (for sures) to accomplish and some things I hope to accomplish. This will help keep me focused on what I want out of life at this moment. Plus I HEART lists. The wants are in regular text and the additional hope is in italics. I will keep this blog updated as I accomplish items on the list and think of new ones to add.

X 1. New job with travel. Just shoot me if this one doesn't get accomplished.

So I got the new job. No travel but a wonderful opportunity.

2. Skydiving.

3. Cut back to one soda per day.

4. Complete Rhythm (pole dancing).

Class starts 9/18.

5. Complete Level 3 (pole dancing).

6. Take snowboarding lessons (this time line can be extended until the end of winter)

X 7. A fifth date.

So I completed this one but it turned out to be the beginning of a lot of hurt. Fifth dates are officially overrated. I'm not going to be greedy and ask for a sixth date for a while.

8. A pull up. 5 pull ups.

9. Be in the best physical shape of my life. I don't want to put a weight to this one. I will know by how I feel. I know it is best to have goals with finite measurements but I hate to do that for this one. Deal with it!

10. Find a new signature drink. I'm so over vodka tonics. I think this will take extensive testing. :) I'm up to the challenge.

X 11. New tattoo.

X 12. Pole for my house.

Throwing In The Towel

2007-08-17T15:01:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of first dates. I'm throwing in the towel in this crazy game we call dating. Rewind...Let me know clarify a bit. I'm technically throwing in the towel starting on Monday because I had two guys contact me on Match.com and I'm hoping for a date tonight with one (Mystery Man) and then maybe coffee and a movie with the other on Sunday (Graphic Guy). And I'm talking about first dates. If one of these guys works out for a few dates then I'd be thrilled. I'm just sick of first dates right now. My Match.com subscription is up at the end of the month. I just haven't really gotten the quality of guys I want out of it. I've made a few friends and had some funny stories to tell but I'm not going to be the star of their next commercial. They can screen for certain criteria but I think they need to find a way to screen for boring, ugly and crazy/creepy.

I'm going to stick to my hobbies and see who may enter my world. Granted my pole dancing hobby probably isn't going to lead to many men - sounds counterintuitive but the class is all women. But they may have friends so who knows. That sounded silly. Of course they have friends. I mean single, attractive, witty, charming male friends. Maybe try some meetup.com events. Rock climbing is another good avenue. There is a super cute guy that works there and actually taught Conrad and I to belay. There are also plenty of cuties that climb.

On that same note though...climbing is very physically demanding and leads to a well developed muscular body. Conrad and I seem to get distracted by the hottness. We'll see a guy a few times and think he could have potential and then we'll actually start looking at his face. It seems each time we see him he will get younger and younger. Total jail bate! It must be the hormones in the milk that are making these kids develop so quickly!

I think I'll focus on me and me alone. Be the best me by the end of the year. Try things I've always wanted to try (I'll start a list in a new blog and update it as I complete items). Be in the best physical shape of my life. Work on a healthier eating regime. Take a vacation. I've made great strides this year in taking control of my life and I think this is the perfect junction to do some real soul searching and personal development.

Happy Friday Everyone!

The Big But...

2007-08-16T14:48:00.000-04:00

I finally got the rejection email from the Brazilian Mustang. When I didn't hear from him right away I tried to think positive thoughts but that SATC episode just kept creeping into my mind...he's just not that into you. And sure enough when I got home tonight my inbox held the following message:

Just wanna let you know that you are a cool girl and I had a good time with you.

I just don’t think you are really my dating type. Sorry. I am just being honest about it. I hate leading people on. Not my style.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that he responded and was honest. He gets serious brownie points...but that makes it even worse that he doesn't want me. Because he appears to have the qualities that I'm looking for in a man. He said he would still like to climb sometime but that he isn't interested in dating me.

Sigh...

It makes me ask the question, what is undatable about me to him? Now don't worry kids, I'm not going to get a complex over this. But it just makes me wonder. And how could I have been so off with our chemistry? I thought our first date was fantastic. And he kissed me. And sent me a text afterwards. Did something happen when we went climbing on Sunday that totally turned him off? It just leaves me a little confused. I want to date (actually I don't want to date I want to be in a semi serious monogamous relationship but this is neither here nor there) but each date I go on leaves me more and more mystified by the actions and behaviors of men.

On another note I found the pup a new family tonight. I'm officially free of dependents. I still have no regrets on my decision but I cried like someone shoved an onion in my eye on the way home. She was a part of my life for 3 years...day in and day out. Conrad is coming over to help me drown my separation anxiety with some wine.

Sometimes the right choices are harder to deal with than wrong ones.

Forever Home

2007-08-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

So nothing too exciting or racy in the blog. Those of you looking for something juicy will have to wait until tomorrow (hopefully).

I think I may have found a forever home for my pup. It is a stay at home mom with two sons. They have a fenced in yard and plenty of love. Her husband travels for long stretches of time and she is looking for a companion. That is my pup. I warned her that my pup tends to act as a second shadow and she said that she couldn't ask for anything better. She will let her sleep in her bed and get on the furniture like I do and is actually thrilled at the idea. If all works out I will leave her there tomorrow night. I have all of her things packed in the car.

I got to see her interact with a potential family yesterday, and while I had a slight meltdown on the way, I left knowing I was making the right decision. That family wasn't the best fit for her but I saw her come alive with all there was to see and do in a house with a yard. She was so much happier. I saw the joy she could bring to a family and that they could bring to her. I can't provide her with that anymore.

Mentally this is a tough thing to deal with. I don't have any second thoughts about giving her to a loving home but I'm still very sad. I feel torn in two directions. I'm so happy to have freedom but I am loosing a little part of me. She was very important to me in the first few months after I left the AX. She is a morning dog for sure and got me out of bed everyday and was my reason to trudge on when I felt so alone. She was my purpose for a while. So much has changed in the last year. She gives unconditional love and I don't always feel like I deserve that from her. I think this family will be perfect for her. It all seems surreal. When I got her 3 years ago I never thought this day would come...I thought I'd have her until the end of her days. But I also never thought I'd leave the AX, live alone, pole dance, rock climb, etc. So every day is open for a new surprise and opportunity. She will have so many more of those type of days now as will I.

Small Victory of the Day

2007-08-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

I want to start off by stating I'm not a hateful, grudge holding person. That being said I do occasionally get pleasure from the frustrations of others. I try to learn my lesson from a situation and move on. I do strongly hold the philosophy: Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me. Hence you don't get a second chance too often in my life. I just don't see a reason to keep people in my life I don't trust. But now I've gotten off on a tangent.

The real reason we're here....

The AX (almost ex-husband) got to eat his "Karma's a bitch" words today...or should I say his dog shat them out. I got a very upset phone call this evening from the AX inquiring if he could borrow my SpotBot. (For those of you who don't know a SpotBot is this nifty spot carpet cleaner). I have the SpotBot from the separation because the AX said his dog never did anything inappropriate in the house hence he would not need the SpotBot. I of course allow him to use it only after an explanation for the reason. He says his dog has an upset tummy (not exactly his words but I'll spare you) and has proceeded to have the upset tummy all over the house. So maybe in the end...Karma is a bitch!

Very Bad Day in Lacy Land

2007-08-13T18:14:00.000-04:00

I had a looming feeling when I hit snooze for the fourth time today that things weren't going to be quite ideal. I tried to remain upbeat and positive but be damned if life didn't just keep clouding up my sunshine existence. The remainder of this story comes from a glass half empty mindset. It is just one of those days.

Let's start with where I'm at right now (although there are still several more hours to go so I'm sure things can get worse).

I got a voicemail that I didn't get the job I was oh so desperately hoping for. Although the voicemail said that the bossman would like to pass my resume along to another branch in the area I'm still very disappointed. He said he would call me today or tomorrow to talk over those options. At least I know what the rest of my night will be filled with...job hunting.

So saying the last few words above and predicting what my night would be like turned out to be the kiss of death. It is now 5 hours later and I'm just sitting down to continue this blog. What happened you may ask? I will just start from the beginning and work my way forward this time. This gets a little messy so pull out your umbrella and do you best to stay out of the splash zone.

Despite my intuition this morning that evil gnomes would take over my day I get up and out of bed. Only to discover that my obsession with perfecting the corkscrew spin on Saturday in pole practice and my attempt to be a super duper climber on Sunday have left me with a crick in the neck and all over aches and pains. I trudge on! Take a shower in hopes that this will loosen up the aches and pains...wrong again...neck spasms while washing my hair. But I'm already up and half showered so I may as well continue on.

I get to work and Heylia* asks if today is feeling off to me. I reply hell yes and we agree that she might want to send an extra something to the big man upstairs to get us through this day (she believes and I don't but I figure she could send one up for the both of us...can't hurt).

Normal annoyances pop up with the boss lady but nothing too new. Same old reasons I want to leave the job. I find out she has been soliciting my clients without my knowledge again. We've had this discussion before. We always have the same discussions. This one goes like this...you want to talk to my clients then at the very least CC me on the email or just ask me to do it. It is after all what you pay me to do. I send her the following short but sweet email:

Thank you for this information. In the future, I’d be more than happy, and prefer, to contact external clients to inquire about future events.

I even included a smiley next to my name. Unfortunately this did not soften the blow. Boss lady doesn't take to well to you going against what she's done. But I'm tired of this. Next thing I know I get a meeting request for this afternoon to discuss various work related issues. Sigh...

We discuss the above mentioned topic for the gabillionth time and she agrees that I should be the one to contact my clients. She said she ran across an email from their previous event last year when she was going through her inbox. (the crazy thing is last time I was in her office she had nearly 2300 unread messages - and how the fuck she still has a job I have no idea - she also has this theory that she tells us all the time that it is proven fact that it takes a person seeing something 17 times before they remember - that is just bullshit code for you're an idiot! If it takes you that long you need to get checked out by a doctor. I was thinking if I got the new job I should email her a letter of resignation 17 times just to make sure it sunk in that I was quitting) In this same meeting she brings up some work travel that I just completed. She asks if I would consider reducing my overtime hours worked that week by taking off the time that I participated in networking events. BITCH PLEASE! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND! So I didn't say that...but that is what I thought. I responded with a firm "no". BUT BITCH PLEASE! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND! If I was working I'm getting paid. I wasn't there for my health for damn sure! She says that she never puts down the time when she is attending networking events. She sure is hell doesn't because she is a salaried employee and doesn't earn overtime. If you didn't want to pay me you shouldn't have sent me! She realizes she has poured gasoline on an already raging fire and quickly moves on.

It is near the end of the day and I think "I've made it." Then my cell phone rings. I get nervous because I assume it is the guy calling about the job. No...it is the AXH (almost ex-husband). I get terrible cell reception in the building so he is complaining he can't hear me and I tell him to call my work phone like always. I feel like my life is a broken record sometimes. He is just too lazy to program the work number in his phone so he knows I'll call him back when the cell is crap. SIDE NOTE: FUCK CINGULAR! FUCKING DROPPED CALLS! He is inquiring about the divorce time line for probably the tenth time now. I repeat it all again. Each time he asks I increase the portion of the divorce he has to pay for. He hasn't really caught on but I did give him a heads up that since I'm doing all the leg work he has to pay more as it is. We are talking about this and that and he says that my life is seems pretty fucked up right now...like things just aren't going my way. I say it hasn't been the easiest. Are you sitting down now? "Karma is a bitch." he says. Excuse me! He says maybe I should "volunteer or something" so that better things would come to me. I couldn't make this up if I tried. And I do wish those of you out there knew the AXH because you would be laughing hysterically at this comment. I lost it a bit with him. That isn't the point. He deserved that. We continue talking and part ways for the meantime. Guess we should just stick to discussing dog sitting.

Because I was on the phone with him my phone sent another call straight to VM. It was about the job. My rejection VM. That leaves us at the top of this email where I get home and decide to talk about my shitty day. Now here is what happened when I thought it wasn't going to get any worse.

A couple was coming over to buy my elliptical machine at 6pm. I thought I would do a little blogging and play ball with the dog (not at the same time obviously). So I'm outside with the pup and she runs back with the ball and her paw is bleeding everywhere and her toenail is totally hanging off. FUCK! I take her inside and try to clean it up but it just keeps bleeding. I call Mark to come over to try to help me with her because I have no one else to call. I hate calling him but there was no one else. I lock her in my bathroom because the craigslist folks are here. I've got the cable and book all ready to go for them and they ask if they can try it out really quickly. No problem! I plug it in and the fucker won't work.

Now I have this little problem I haven't told you about. Don't freak. I know some of you will think I'm crazy...most of you probably already do...but when I get emotional I have this little interference with electrical items: computers (sorry AXH), tvs, dvd players (sorry Mom), LCD projectors (sorry everyone at work and my clients) and now ellipticals. Well you get the point. The shit will just either quick working or get all wonky! I had just tried this thing out and it worked. Now it won't come on and didn't come on the whole time. I say I'll try to call the company to trouble shoot tomorrow and get back with them. This is the last thing I need. I really need the money and just wanted to have one more thing checked off my list. The AXH is just loving this. I can see it in his face. He knows I'm having a bad day already, that I hate to call him unless I have to, he's already lectured me on how bad of a person I am and how that will come to bite me in the ass and now he is witnessing a bleeding dog that is about to be taken to the emergency vet and a broke ass elliptical. At least he tried to help get it working but that was to no avail. The craigslist people leave and so does he. I ask if he can help me put a blanket in the car so I can carry the dog out so she doesn't bleed all over the carpet. He gives me an attitude so I tell him to get the fuck out. The story of our lives. So romantic.

The pup and I head to the vet. Three hours and $300 later we head home. I will tell you though she has got on an adorable little bandage...see photo below. She doesn't show any signs of anguish at any point in this little ordeal so I have no problem getting a chuckle out of new shoe. A positive did come out of the evening...I made sure to let everyone know at the vets office that she was available for adoption and I may have a serious candidate. I also got the names of a few local rescues that could help me match her pre-screened families. Not exactly worth paying $300 for the info but I'm trying to part the clouds here.

I got absolutely nothing accomplished this evening. The job hunt will wait for tomorrow. The laundry will remain dirty. I will cross all my fingers and toes that tomorrow will not be worse than today.

One Liners

2007-08-13T15:33:00.000-04:00

Here are a few funny one liners that I've had the pleasure(ish) of hearing lately. Well...they are unique at least. I'll add more as I hear them. If you have any please feel free to comment.

I'm gonna make like a busted rubber and head out!

What in the ham sandwich is going on in here?!

Third-world sabre-toothed crotch crickets

It is hot as the devil's dick in here!

When life give you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you rocks, throw them at boys!

My wallet got gone.

Brazilian Mustang

2007-08-12T17:23:00.000-04:00

I had a date Friday night with a friend of Conrad's*. I shall call this man the Brazilian Mustang. The date went fabulously! The kind of date that gives us single folks hope...a reason to keep putting ourselves out there...keep trying.

I sent the Brazilian Mustang an email after Conrad had introduced the idea of going out with me to him and sent him my MySpace account. I'd seen the Mustang's pic and I was on board with scheme to get us together. Very cute! And my friend has reassured me that he is even more delicious in person! I email him after a few days to see if he thinks based on my page we may have some common interests. He writes back and says he think we might and lets me know what his schedule is looking like for the rest of the week so we could get together.

I know we have common interests so the real reason I want to know if he wants to go out based on my page is if he thinks I'm cute. I'm a secure enough woman to know that I am cute...just not cute to everyone. I've seen plenty of married folks out there that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole but the couple seems completely enamored and content with each other. By writing back I assume he thinks I'm at least cute enough for a date.

He includes his phone number at the bottom of the email. Now I could just write back but I decide that since it is already Thursday and he is available Friday I should probably grow some balls and just call him. So I do. The phone rings 5 times so I think I'm free and clear and will be able to leave a VM. All of a sudden he picks up! What the hell?! Five rings should be VM! I quickly get myself together for an actual phone conversation. We decide to meet up the next night at a place that is convenient for both of us. He wants to get together right after work...some men just do not understand that women do not just wake up looking fabulously date cute or can leave working looking irresistible! I suggest 7pm instead and he is agreeable.

This always happens to me on a first date. I leave way too early so I have to kill some time parked a bit away from the establishment of choice. I put some more lip gloss on etc and pretty much just start panicking. I can nearly work myself up into full blown heart palpitations! If I'm lucky I can park and wait for him to get there and then repark and look like I just pulled up. I was successful at this with the Brazilian Mustang.

He is completely cute (as promised).

The first meeting is always so awkward! Do you shake hands? Do you hug? I think this moment is part of the reason I panic. Silly I know...so any suggestions for making the first encounter less painful and palpitation inducing would be greatly appreciated!

The Mustang and I somehow decide a hug would be best. Which I'm thrilled about because I have a cute shirt on that is mostly backless and this brings this to his attention.

We go inside and since it is early get our pick of a table...or in this instance couch. The place he picked out is wonderfully ideal and has a fabulous atmosphere! There are couches lined up against the walls with tables in front. We opt for one near the back. We immediately start talking and the rest of the evening was wonderful conversation. The waitress kept coming back to ask if we were ready to order some tapas and we wouldn't even have looked at the menu. We weren't in a hurry. She finally picks up on the fact that it is a first date and gives us some space. He loves red wine! As we order the waitress says she is a "total white girl" which meant she liked white wine but I just started laughing because it sounded like she was proclaiming her heritage. He says he was thrilled but surprised to that I called. He figured I would just email him back and then he'd have to call. I think I earned some brownie points.

This is a regular spot for the Mustang and we both thought that a DJ would kick of the night around 10:30p. Instead this band takes the stage and starts playing cover music that is a little bit out of our generational interest. But we both go with it...the band is good even if it isn't our type of music. After a while the Mustang asks if I would like to dance. We had been people watching and making fun at the people who were dancing. I said I thought that I was a little out of my element and he said he was too but what the hell! So we take the dance floor with all of the 40/50/60 year olds and dance our booties off like the old people. We were mocking but they thought we were just dancing with them. It was hilarious! Major props to the Mustang for suggesting we dance! It really added something to the evening. Plus the band was so loud it was getting pretty hard to have a conversation.

He gets a phone call and asks if would be okay if we part ways for the evening. He would like to meet some friends to go out but assures me that he had a wonderful time with me and wants to meet up again on Sunday to go climbing. You can tell he is worried about my response but I'm thrilled.

I could have spent the entire night with him...don't get me wrong! But then one thing would have led to another...more drinks...going back to one of our places...more drinks...amazing sex. But then all of a sudden we would have jumped 10 steps ahead of where we want to be. I want to to try to have a normal relationship. Dates and exciting milestones. I don't want the wham bam thank you ma'am! I've been there...done that. It hasn't quite worked out in the past but when things are going good it is so hard to stop them. So I was thrilled we could call it an evening. An amazing evening with more fun times to come. He walks me to my car with his hand on the small of my back. We have a few amazing smooches. He is a WONDERFUL kisser. Like our kisses were meant for each other. The Mustang rides off into the night as do I.

I get a text from him about an hour after we part ways letting me know again what a great time he had and how much he is looking forward to our next meeting. I text back confirming my mutual feelings.

We met up again today to climb and he is still just delicious! It was a bit awkward because Conrad joined us (well that wasn't awkward) but then the Mustang also brought a friend. He's let me know this ahead of time. Things were going well but this guy was a very experienced climber and kept wanting me to try routes that were really challenging. I've only been climbing for about 2 months and wasn't quite there yet. So I was getting a little bit frustrated. So I did some easy routes. Then the guy hurt his hand and didn't want to climb anymore so I felt like made the rest of the time rushed...also weird because he is just there observing the interaction between me and the Mustang.

The Mustang and I parted ways with a hug. I sent him a text later letting him know I enjoyed the afternoon and although I know he has a busy week would like to hear from him and catch up with each other at some point.

All I know is that I hope I get to ride that Mustang one of these days!

Seinfeld Moment

2007-08-12T17:14:00.001-04:00

I went to a baseball game last night with my sister to celebrate her birthday. We had a surprisingly good time. It can be hit or miss with my sister. We wouldn't even be friends if we weren't sisters. We just are on such different pages with our views on life. But that can be an entirely separate blog.

Seinfeld Moment:
Our seats are behind home plate. I was thinking about Steak and Shake because we don't have one in the area I live and I knew there was one between my house and hers. I notice an advertisement in the outfield for the restaurant. I can't read it because we are too far away and I ask my sister if she can read it. She says no. Simultaneously we both lean forward to "get a closer look." I just start laughing hysterically! Like those extra foot we leaned forward was suddenly going to allow us to read the sign. But we all do it every day. Just instinct. She started cracking up once I told her what I was laughing at because it is so true! I'm sure Seinfeld could have made an entire episode out of something silly like this.

P.S. There are so many hot guys at baseball games!!!!

Whiny Ass Bitch (Male Variety)

2007-08-12T00:46:00.000-04:00

So I went on one date with a guy and suddenly he thinks we are together. I didn't think I gave off that impression that I wanted to be his girlfriend. We went out on a Saturday night and the following excerpts from emails followed after our one and only and last date. I said maybe we could get together Wednesday but we'd just have to wait and play it by ear. It was all downhill...

Whiny Ass Bitch:

Well I really hope you get the job, and if you do we goin' to SIZZLER! Just kiddin, but I would love to take you out to celebrate! Maybe we could go to Braza or Kanki, or somewhere just fun to have a glass of wine or your favorite beer.

Im jealous of your rock climbing. Youre having way much more fun than I am haha.

At the moment Im sitting at my desk waiting for a phone call from my field engineers. Its been a rough day but not as nearly as bad as yesterday. Im also forecasting some budget stuff, tuition is coming up pretty soon and that kinda sucks. Other than that I admit Ive been thinking aboutcha'. I dont know what the weather will be like tonight or this afternoon but let me know what you have in mind. I was originally thinking Frankies Fun Park but the weather might not agree. Theres always the movies on a wet rainy day or we could grab a few drinks somewhere. Either way it doesnt matter to me as long as I can toss XXXX's kong to her a few times ;0)

Sooooo what time should we meet up tonight?

Oh one more question! Im leaving friday for the mountains and wont be back until Sunday. Do you think we could hang out Thursday? I dont know if you have plans or not.

Me:

Hey!

I think it would be great to hang out again but I’m feeling a little bit like you may have jumped a few steps ahead of where I am at. I think it would be best to slowly get to know each other and let this move along at a more relaxed pace. Let’s try to meet up sometime next week when you get back from your trip.

Whiny Ass Bitch:
I receive this message after I receive a panicked voicemail...thank you caller ID. He literally sounded like he was going to cry.

Ok I just left you a voicemail.

Im confused, do you not want to hang out tonight?

I apologize if I gave off the vibe that I am trying to rush things. I just feel comfortable around you and want to get to know more about you.

Let me know whats going on tonight if youre up for it.

Me:

No. I don't want to hang out tonight. I never thought we had firm plans for tonight. I said that the earliest I could hang out this week would be Wednesday. We've only been on one date and while I had a great time you seem to be overreacting a little bit with the call and email especially after I just asked you to slow down. You kind of did the opposite instead of just being okay with me seeing you sometime next week. I said we could hang out next week when you got back from your trip but now I'm not so sure.

Whiny Ass Bitch:

Oh no no no no no its completely cool!

It works out much better that way! I started thinking about it when I got home and I was feeling pretty pushed to get everything done I needed to get done, not even factoring in hanging out with you tonight. I had an overwhelming feeling I overcommitted myself today (lead to the panicked phone call and email) so it really does work out better for both of us to wait until next week, I promise!

I would much rather take it slow especially since we have both already been through enough rollercoasters already.

I need to clean up this place, do laundry, pay bills, work out, cook dinner, and a few other errands before I leave friday. I sat in my office chair in my den and ended up falling flat on my ass. Yup, it broke. :0( Also, we are all working from home friday so we had to come home today to do a test run to make sure all of our equipment was working. We are moving in to a new building friday and the move conflicts with our groups support shift. I had to have time warner come out today to install business class internet service (the residential service cant handle our business needs) and they just left when I called you. Its been a busy busy busy day, so please trust me when I say Im relieved that you want to wait until next week.

I sincerely apologize for coming off overreacting. I didnt mean to give you that impression so please forgive me. I had the best time with you than I have had with anyone in a very long time this past weekend. Id much rather take is slow and see if things fall in to place. I agree that we should take this at a slow pace, after all thats the best way for both of us to know if its what we want right?

I really want you to enjoy the weekend. Mine is long overdue! Ive been looking forward to this for over a month now so Im really excited!

I hope you get the job too and please do keep me posted!

Feel free to call if you want. Have a wonderful and relaxing night!

Lets just reconvene next week, Id really like that if its ok with you.

I assure you, I am 100% with you on slowing down.

Whiny Ass Bitch: (again before I reply)

I just saw this picture

http://www.flickr.com/photos/valentia/144643510/

thought you might enjoy it being youre a lab lover and all ;0)

So I don't reply at all to either of the last two emails. I receive another email a few weeks later. Some people don't take a hint.

Whiny Ass Bitch:

How was your week?

I was wondering if you would be interested in getting together again? If not, its cool and I understand if youre just not interested. I had a great time the night we went out and if anything, thank you for that.

Me:

I'm actually in Montreal right now for work. I'm at a conference. Things are going well and I love the city.

I'm not interested in getting together again. I'm sorry if I gave off a misleading impression. We had fun but you just wanted to jump into spending too much time together and being serious...I think it was poor communication. Anyway, I just don't think it would work.

Whiny Ass Bitch:

Well I really dont have time to be serious with anyone right now and that is my fault for giving off that impression. I was excited to meet someone like you, but yea if you dont think it will work then I guess thats that.

If you happen to change your mind please feel free to shoot me an email. Until then Ill be working on my career and such.

Good luck with everything.

After our first date he gives me his blogspot. I discover that he knows a friend of mine because I recognize her blog linked to his. I ask how they know each other and he says that he is great friends with her and her husband. I didn't want to ask her about him since he turned out to be a pain in the ass. I finally did ask several weeks later and it turns out she and her husband can't stand the guy! They haven't talked to him in ages and refuse to hang out with him because he is such a WHINY ASS BITCH! She didn't even know he linked his blog to hers! As the song goes...it's a small world afterall.

It's Time To Be Selfish!

2007-08-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

If I don't do it now I will never have a chance! It is time for me to focus on me. No worries(ish) and no responsibilities (sort of). I want to stay out all night and pick up and go at a moments notice. I'd lost myself when I was married. I lost my identity. I left my husband when I realized I'd be happier alone than with him...that even if I never found another I would still lead a better, fuller, richer life. I've never looked back but want to take it to the next level. One day I want a husband (again) and kids and grandkids. I want that to be my life....but not yet. Now I want to live it up! Have some crazy stories to tell those grandkids...no regrets...

So why am I stating all of this you may ask? To achieve this I have to give something up. That something is my dog. My ex and I had two dogs. We each got a "kid" in the divorce. I thought I could handle being a single dogmom and even gave my ex hell when he talked of giving our other dog away. But I was wrong. I want my life back. I can't give her what she needs.

I feel incredible guilt over this decision. I've failed her. I know she is just a dog BUT I still failed and that is the real root issue. No one really wants to fail at anything. I know she'll be better with someone or a family who can play with her and has a yard. But I still feel like shit. My guilt also comes from the fact that I'll be so happy without her. That feeling fucks with my head. How much better my life will be without her is at battle with the fact that I made this commitment to her. I can sleep in. Stay out late (and early). Not deal with dog hair everywhere. Do what I want when I want for fucks sake (literally sometimes)!

I WANT TO BE SELFISH! I WANT TO FIND ME! I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE! I WANT TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT LIMITS AND RESTRICTIONS! I WANT TO RECLAIM MY BED AS MINE!

So if you know anyone who wants a wonderful, sweet small lab mix leave me a comment.

If I Didn't Have Trust Issues Before.../Dating Questionnaire

2007-08-11T13:59:00.000-04:00

So who can you trust these days? I would like to believe that everyone is innocent until proven guilty but in this dating world I'm finding you have to start with an opposite mindset.

What was that? An example you say of why I may be turning to the dark side? Of course I've got an example! I'll try to keep it as uncomplicated as I can but it did get a bit messy.

I meet a guy at a bar. Cute guy. He looks familiar but I can't place it. I strategically sit down two spots from him in hopes that he will start a conversation. He does. We seem to have a spark. We talk for a few hours at the bar (it was a Tuesday night, uncrowded). I ask if I can give him my number so we could hang out sometime. He asks me to go home with him. I say no that I'll just give him my number. I write down my first name and number. Then I suddenly have the impulse to write my last name. He looks at the name and cocks his head in slight confusion like that dog on the RCA commercials. He asks if I have a brother in the area because he knows someone who has the same last name as I do. Sigh....

I do not have a brother but an ex-husband. Turns out this guy is very good friends with my ex and his friends (well they used to be "our" friends but he got to keep them in the divorce - as the story unfolds I'm glad he got them). We get another few drinks after realizing this crazy small world moment and talk about all the same people we know. I must have seen him in one of their photos on a MySpace page somewhere or met him at a party a few years ago. Who knows? After the few drinks we decide to go back to my place...yada yada yada...he promises to call. I say don't worry about it if it is too much drama with the common acquaintances. He insists on calling.

He doesn't. I didn't expect him to so I get over this fact quickly. I'm at the same bar a few weeks later and run into some of the above mentioned common acquaintances. I recount the story and when I get to the part where I say his name everyone gasps in horror. The look on their faces will stay with me forever. A girl at the table turns around and asks when this happened. All of the expletives I've ever known start racing through my head! Of course I didn't know he had a girlfriend, and that the girlfriend would be sitting at the table while I told the story of her boyfriend cheating on her with me. Of course I didn't know...but I still felt like shit for her and felt so used and betrayed. What the fuck?!?!? It threw me off for an entire weekend.

Because of this and some other recent incidents I'm thinking that I should create a questionnaire to present to all future suiters prior to the first date.

1. Are you married or in a relationship?

I originally thought that "Are you single?" would be sufficient but then realized that the more specific I could be the better. You would think that this question could be skipped if you are at any establishment and being hit on. Sadly, I can attest on a first hand basis, this is not the case.

2. Do you want to be in a relationship?

This question can be tricky for a guy but it is important to get an honest answer. You may or not be looking for a relationship so you need to know what he looking for. If he is looking for a relationship and you just want one night of mind blowing fun he could end up turning into the stalker type - thinking you are the coolest girl on the planet because of the fabulous night you had and you just want to find your clothes and get the hell out of dodge. Thank God for caller ID. On the flip side you don't want to get hurt if he is just looking for one night of mind blowing fun and you are looking for something more. Lesson here kids: be honest with each other...might be awkward for a bit but you'll both get over it and end up having the night you want.

3. Do you have a job?

If the answer is "yes" move onto another topic. It is just important he's got one, doesn't really matter what he does. The only time a "no" is acceptable is if he's got some rich dead relatives that have left him ridiculously wealthy and you can go out on his yacht, travel the world and never have to work again either.

I'd love to hear some comments on additional questions to help me develop this survey.

There are a few questions which I wish could be included on the questionnaire but might really freak someone out on a first encounter. I speak from personal experience on these little surprises so bare with me if some of them seem a little bizarre. Truth is usually stranger than fiction.

Do you like to choke a girl while making out and having sex?

Do you have problems getting it up after a certain number of drinks? If so, then please stop one drink before that number.

Do you have a web cam? If so, please don't invite me to view it after I've rejected you in the dating world.

Are you on any sort of meds? If so , is your dosing correct at the moment?

Do you know my ex-husband?

Would you stand up for me to your family?

Are you a whiny bitch if you get rejected?

Are you only interested in me because the fact that I pole dance fascinates you?

More to come...again...suggestions welcome!!!! :)

Waiting Game

2007-08-10T14:07:00.000-04:00

The angst of waiting is so much worse than knowing the answer, accepting it and moving on. I can accept being rejected - and I can really accept being accepted - but I can't stand waiting to find out if I've been rejected (or accepted - not trying to be the glass half empty girl). Why doesn't my phone ring or my inbox say (1)? Today it is about a job, yesterday it was about a job and a man. I got the date so now I just need to know if I got the job (just an answer either way would suffice - I can celebrate or drown my sorrows for a night and be done with it) and my weekend would be tied up into a neat little bow. No questions left unanswered for the moment (of course there are always larger questions but the immediate ones that I want to be answered would).

I guess the deeper question is: Why can't I just wait it out...go with the flow as they say...push it to the back of the shelf and see what happens? Why does my world always have to look like a Martha Stewart tied bow?

My slightly surface answer: it is because these issues are all I've got going on right now. I hate my current job but can't just quit. I mean I know I could quit but unless someone wants to start a foundation in my honor to pay my bills then quitting really isn't a feasible option. I enjoy showers and my king sized bed too much to be homeless. I have hobbies. I have friends. But I still need answers!

Am I searching for a utopia that only exists in fairy tales? How do I just accept what I've got and live in the moment?